Well I've been avoiding blogging about this for sometime, but as I'm going to be pressing the pause button on my work with Undercurrent for a while - I think you deserve to know why.
Last year, we found out my wife is pregnant, which was great news, but then we had some bad news too. What follows is the text of an email I've just sent to a load of our friends. Please feel free to share this with others if you feel you want to.
This is the second email we have sent out about this, but it should be full enough to give you the whole picture.
Peace to you all, Simon.
Dear friends,
once again - sorry about the mass email. It has been some time since we wrote our original letter, to tell you all about the situation with our baby - since then we have been deeply touched by the messages of love and support we have received from so many of you. Please accept this update in lieu of all the ones we haven't provided.
As you know, during the first ultrasound scan, our baby was diagnosed with a disorder [anencephaly] which means the skull hadn't formed properly. We were told then that the condition is not compatible with life outside of the womb.
That situation remains the same - as it stands, the baby will survive perhaps up to 24 hours after birth, although equally possibly the baby will be still born.
We have been through a lot of feelings and emotions in the last few months as you can imagine - from the initial terrible shock, to a peace that God gave us as we sought him, through occasional bouts of anguish, and periods of feeling numb.
We have struggled with the whole question of healing - some of our friends have been wonderfully faithful in their prayers for miraculous healing. Other people have grown weary of carrying the burden of faith for healing in the face of a totally bleak reality - and I don't blame them.
We have found a different path I think - one which we believe is the right one for us to walk. While we recognise and accept the reality of the situation - the baby's head is no better despite all our prayers - we know what we would want to happen if we could have any outcome in the world.
Kelly was wrestling with the whole issue of faith for healing, when she felt this revelation from God - "What would you ask Jesus for if he was standing in front of you now?" This kind of persistent, heartfelt prayer seems more real to us than anything else.
Based on that - we continue to ask God to heal our child - but also to make the practical arrangements that will be necessary if he doesn't.
One thing you may like to know is that we have chosen a name. We found out last year that the baby is a boy! Yes - our first boy, a brother for our girls. We have chosen the name Ajani - this is an African name which means "he who overcomes in the struggle." There has already been quite a struggle in this little guy's life.
It would be a lie to say that we haven't struggled with all this too - it has been a hard path to walk - and it continues to be. But just as we are blessed by our two girls, we are blessed by our little boy too. He has already brought much into our lives. We will miss him when he is gone.
Thanks to all of you who have prayed, and who continue to pray. If you can join with us in the persistent prayer of asking God to move his hand, then please do. We know there is no other love like his - and we know that he will feel our pain if we lose Ajani before he can walk and talk like his sisters. But we don't want anyone to feel under pressure to 'pump up' some false faith - lets just all be real before God.
Each time we visit the consultant and have a scan, we find ourselves discouraged, and feeling like we cant carry on praying. However, each time we have recognised that God is telling us to keep praying, keep asking, keep going.
Don't be too disappointed too, if God doesn't do what we want him to. After all, he has taken the sting out of death, and Ajani is safe with him. He's a better parent than either of us. We will grieve, but there is eternity to consider. Kelly has had a constant picture of Jesus standing in front of her, holding the baby in his arms. We feel that at the end he will either hand the baby to us, or walk away with him, either way Ajani will be totally safe and secure.
So there you go - that's where we are. Thanks so much for your love and support - its be a great blessing to us. I recently went on a trip to Cambodia, looking at a project I'm planning out there, and was overwhelmed when all the children in a family we know there, many of whom have been through great pain and suffering in their lives, prayed for us. Its great to be part of this family isn't it.
I am not sure if I said this in the last email - but Ajani is due at the end of March this year. We've found it hard carrying this pregnancy through, but we know it is by far the best thing. By March we will have had nine months with our lovely little boy, and we wouldn't want any less time!
As far as afterwards goes... well if what the doctors say will happen, does happen, then we are planning a cremation ceremony, possibly followed by a couple of small memorial services, one here, one up in Humberside. Then, providing we can afford it, Kelly and I will probably take a short break before coming back to work. Planning this stuff is probably the most difficult aspect of the journey at the moment, and one which we find very painful - perhaps our greatest fear has been to lose one of our children, and having to face up to that fear is very hard.
If God changes things though, look for us on cloud nine, we'll take our mobiles.
About work by the way, I have recently felt God leading me to lay down some of my commitments for a period of time. This situation has taken a bit of an emotional toll on me, and I apologise again to anyone who feels let down by me recently.
Thanks so much for all your love, and all your prayers. I hope that this email is complete enough to give you a full picture of where we are, and what's going on.
Lots of love and peace to you all,
Simon, Kelly, Jyothi, Anya and Ajani.
PS - feel free to share this email with others who you think would like to pray for us, or would be blessed by our story.
